Whats your addiction…

Why everything that’s supposed to bad make me feel so good? Word to Late Registration Kayne; but seriously. We all know what a vice is; rather we want to admit the negative impact they can have or not. You know that form of indulgence, that distraction that makes you happy or feeds some form of emptiness and simply does what a vice is suppose to, be a sense of escape from reality.  In my wellness journey I have had to evaluate my vices, and to this day I challenge myself to constantly reevaluate them. If you can recall in “Foodie Turned surf board abs”,  we talked about food being one of many vices that tend to be used when feeling stressed or just simply out of wack. Can anyone recall the days of being  the life of the “life party” but for all the wrong reasons. Seeming to have it all together on the surface, while in your quiet time you are legit falling apart and trying to find the next drink, shindig, or ego boost to pull you together.  Too many drinks often leads some to become very emotional and violent. To much time alone almost always led us in the presence of someone we know damn well we have no business inviting into our space, and being “too bored” could have you spending money you know you really didn’t have to spend. Trust me I know the struggles. But these things made me happy…for the moment…so I thought.   I noticed the toll that my vices had on me, my career, my pockets and my relationships. My vices continued to distract me from what I really needed to focus on. They kept me content for the moment, but when the high was over I was back questioning everything and not knowing my up from down. My vices kept me in unhealthy relationships, kept me from following my dreams, created tunnel vision and simply were fillers for what I truly knew I wanted for my life. It was easier to vice vs learn, easier to indulge vs discipline, my pass to do what I wanted if only for a minute; and my excuse to not change my own circumstances.

It took for my vices to start showing up in physical forms; broken friendships, and some not so pleasant run-ins to make me realize, I had to do better. I could no longer put my problems off on other people nor could I hide behind temporary fixes to get me through what I knew I needed to work through and not just brush under the rug I had created. To be honest I had a lot of unhealed emotions that I never thought I needed to cypher through, I thought I had crossed that bridge a long time ago and had grown out of my problems. I never equated my current look on life to the trauma I had faced as an adolescent , and I assumed that I was taking each day as its own. But the more I couldn’t call on my vices to get me through and really just having to sit and spend time with myself, I learned a lot more about me than I had anticipated. I began to understand  why I put myself in situation with people I knew I had no business being connected with to avoid loneliness.  I begin to understand why I clunged to social media instead of making real life connections. I understood why I always attempted to stay up on the latest trends and hot spots for feeling I couldn’t as a little girl; or not wanting to be left out or left behind.  It became clear as to  why I prided myself to be that person that everyone depended on; as to be sure that I could one day run to those I had once helped. I begin to understand my dependency on my friendships for the unresolved issues I felt I had with my family, and I even begin to understand my fear of simply  life joys like having children and love. My fears were deep rooted, my motives were a cry for help and my vices were my crutch.  All by not being able to vice, I began to honestly see my own bullshit and it helped me to vice better.

Vices don’t have to be a bad thing or so self destructive. I had to learn what vices propelled me into something better vs the ones that kept me stagnant. I had to find things I enjoyed doing that produced not just an outcome but a healthy outcome. I had to reprogram my mind to vice better. When I find myself about to get in my own way with my old bad habits, I instantly ask myself, why? First what’s channeling this behavior and more so what can I do to avoid feeling I need to do (insert vice here) to feel better. I begin to see my  goals, dreams, true desires and every time I think about those things, they 9 times out of ten don’t line up with the vice I was leaning on.  I had to stop looking at life from one angle and it made me see what I was really made of when I  stepped outside of my temporary desires and reach for something higher. Its becoming second nature to pick up a book, write in a journal, go workout, or mediate; where as before the second nature wasn’t so cleansing. Its becoming second nature to call those that dream big with me and we both push one another to a better tomorrow vs calling the ones to hit up the same ol stumping grounds that we’ve already been to and been through “fifty’leven” times. With my growth I am far from where I want to be but closer than I have ever been and it simply just feels more rewarding to vice better. I take pride in evaluating and elevating my vices, and I encourage you to do the same.


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