My anxiety and fears and other negative low enegies have taken many shapes and form especially when I am trying to hold it together but not doing my best at it. It’s like I’m attempting to stay busy with a bunch of “busy” shit that leads me nowhere close to where I truly want to see myself being.
What does Briannas fear look like:
Overindulgence in social media. I feel the need for confirmation or the need to keep myself n the “social loop” not wanting to miss anything. Going between social sites and justifying it by updating outdated ideas of me ie cleaning my old pics I don’t want On the site, unfriending and friending “networking” the idea of wanting to have moment to moment action of a person almost to feel closer Intune with their habits thoughts and Interactions to get clues on things I fell they wouldnt want to with me. Feels like a way of being connected to some kinda world without the responsibility of showing up the same way everyday and ending it whenever I want to be not really cause some how I find myself right back scrolling my damn live away Wasting time could be reading better yet writing my own book or something, procrastination and fear of its finest especially when I ain’t feeling my most creative. I look at everyone else’s ability to write so eloquently, post in all the country I could only imagine about and have that presence of power where ever when ever callin myself getting “clues of inspiration”
I will binge eat chips, cheesecake, Chocolate, bread, or anything I know that’s not in the fruit and veggies list. Especially when I am nervous, anxious, or just simply uncomfortable. As a way to not cope with what my gut could be attempting to communicate I stuff the energy/ emotion down pack it down until I feel fat and sick. Then that turns in to fear of actually gaining weight so then I throw away what’s left of the bad food and begin to detox this cycle goes on for weeks at a time. I’ll have a good 2 – 3 week run of healthy eating/ energy water intake all of the things then after while something g happens or shit nothing happens and my mind becomes over active and I’m reaching for the first thing I can get my hands on to gain temporary satisfaction
Impulsive shopping, desire to change my surrounding or image.
When I want to shake things up, feeling out of control, if I am feeling bored or like I am not in control of a situation I will find things I can control and try to “change them” dye my hair again after I said I’d stop especially me knowing it can damage the hair health. Change some furniture around in a whole new house or city, spend money I should be investing on my purpose on unnecessary clothes, shoes, food, time with friends, products cause “I’ve been good, I deserve it, if I don’t spend on me who will” when the last time we been out with such and such this could be y’all last go hard af.
what other wild shit will I learn, find out next time on the next episode of dragon ball Bri…